So we are already in the middle of February somehow. I remember hearing adults talk about how disconcerting the passing of time could be. As a kid that always struck me as odd, but now I find myself noting it with a sense of alarm. And so the wheel turns.
I've been home from tour for a little over a week now. The time off from the road has been nice. I've had so many ideas for this next record that I've spent every day back in the studio. But I have to say, this last tour was really different. I spent a lot of time rethinking what tour is and how to approach it, and it paid off. I was still physically tired, but that's just the reality of sleeping in a different bed every night and spending the majority of each day in the back of a van. But I didn't feel emotionally beat down this time. The fact that I jumped straight into the studio is proof of that. In the past, I wanted nothing to do with music at all for at least a week or two, and I didn't much want to see anyone. I would just insulate myself and do the bare minimum of work until my give-a-shit returned. But this time I was back to working on the new album on day one. Progress.
A major change happened on this most recent round of touring (or in the middle of the Euro tour late last year, to be more precise) – I finally found a way to look at performing that makes sense to me. And that was to stop thinking of it as performing. This might sound obvious, or even childish, but when I changed my outlook and simply thought of a show as “I am going to play some songs for people and have a nice time”, something clicked. That is something I know how to do. Whereas the idea of performing always felt alien to me – something I am not built for.
The word performing implies a lot. It makes me think of spotlights and displays of absolute mastery. But I find spotlights uncomfortable, and I am not a master of anything I do on a stage. I can play guitar and sing well enough, but I regularly interface with people who are far more proficient at both. I think of myself as a songwriter, first and foremost, and I got into music because I wanted to make records. Especially with Radical Face. I never intended to perform the material from this project at all. The songs all have so many layers, the material can be uncomfortably personal and confessional, and I mostly work alone. I have always thought of it as music for headphones, or sitting in a room by yourself. Or if you are like me, putting on a record, laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling. I don't think music always “works” in different settings. I have records that I love to listen to alone, but would feel odd putting on around a group of people. And then there is music that I really enjoy in a group, or in a car, but I rarely put on by myself, or have a desire to hear in headphones. And when I think of what I do under the Radical Face tag, most of it feels solitary to me. Nothing about that mood lends itself to the idea of performing, and I have often felt a disconnect with playing the songs live because of that. But when I stopped thinking of it as performance, and instead pictured a show as sharing stories and conversation with a group of people, it suddenly made sense to me again. And perhaps more importantly, I felt I could just show up as myself, as a narrator and steward instead of a performer, and there was no need to be anything in particular. I'm not clever enough to assume a persona and be something I am not, so this is all a lot of relief.
I realize this is all internal and most people would likely never notice the difference. But expending energy with a sense of purpose changes it completely, and something in me really relaxed into it. It also never ceases to amaze me how we organize ourselves with language. Just changing the words I use, in my own head, made such a noticeable difference. Brains are strange.
So we head out for another three weeks of shows in about 10 days, so if you are on the east coast of the US or Canada, and you'd like hang out and hear some songs, I'd be happy to have you. And in the interim, I will just be tracking away. I'm really thrilled to be making a new record again. I prefer records to EPs and short form work in every way. I was fine doing EPs as a way to keep busy while moving around and trying to figure out what to do with my life, but now that I am settled and can evaluate from a place of stability, there is no comparison. And I am making something new for me, which is always a great feeling. I'm itchy to get into all the details, but I want to wait until my next post for that. But hey, having to force some patience is the clearest sign that you're excited, right?
I also forgot to post about this here, but there is a song that fell out of my recent recording sessions. I knew pretty quickly into the recording that it was not going to fit the album, but rather than shelve it and move on like I normally do, I just went ahead and finished it. I've decided to do that this time around, since I am my own label and can release things anytime I want to. So this is just a one-off single, called “Reveries”, that doesn't sound like the new record. Ha.
I also have a new Human Mother track ready to put up once I finish the video for it, and we have been producing a lot for the label as well. So I will be dropping a lot of work this year! But I think this enough for one sitting. I will write again soon.
Until then, I hope everyone is well.